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Georges Carlin's Best
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam."
"I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work."
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong."
" It’s never just a game when you’re winning."
"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?"
"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar."
"When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat."
"The status quo sucks."